Ever since I can remember, I have found it challenging to create and sustain boundaries. There’s definitely been an improvement of late, but I’ll get to that. As well as considering what boundaries are, why we need them and how we put them in place, the ponder today also asks why it’s so hard!
What are boundaries?
For me, boundaries are about how much of yourself you give to someone or something. It’s about the value you place on yourself, the beliefs, and opinions you hold, and the relationships you have with those around you.
Boundaries can be based on intellect, so, knowing that you’re entitled to your beliefs and opinions and being comfortable with them, at the same time appreciating that others are entitled to the same.
There can be emotional boundaries, where you allow yourself to feel the feelings you have in any situation, acknowledging others can do this too.
Physical boundaries are about managing your space and who is in it.
With social boundaries it’s about how you spend your time and who with.
Finally, there are spiritual boundaries when you allow yourself to hold your own spiritual and/or religious beliefs.
Seems pretty simple when we break it down like that. We are who we are, and we like what we like. Right?
Maybe not.
How many of us out there can say we are 100% unapologetically ourselves all the time? I like to think I make a good effort at this, but I know it’s not 100% of the time. There are times I revert right back to my younger teen self – insecure, anxious, and worried about saying or doing the wrong thing for fear of embarrassment or ridicule.
What are the advantages and why are they important?
Take a moment to think about your own situation. How much time do you give to your place of work? How much energy do you give to others? How often do you do things for you? How often do you suppress your emotions? All these answers will give you an indication of what your current boundaries are. The advantages all come down to reminding yourself that you are entitled to time, to space, to feel your emotions, to own your beliefs and manage your life in a way that’s best for you. The biggest challenge is not creating the boundaries, but rather asserting them.
My relationship with boundaries then
When I think about my own boundaries, we need to go back in a time a bit. I should also preface this with I’ve always been a high achiever and always been career driven. Maybe that contributes to the challenges I’ve had with boundaries in the past (and indeed now).
It’s funny, as I’ve started to write this, I’m trying to figure out when to start exploring the boundary issue. I was going to start with my undergrad days, but then realised it was also present in college, then I was going to write about college, but also boundary challenges were present in my old life when I worked in IT. For the sake of this blog though, I’ll accumulate experiences through college and university. Stick with the current life, so to speak.
When I was at college, and university, I was always the person with my fingers in all the pies (metaphorically speaking). I had my studies, extra-curriculars, work, and a social life. Looking back, I’m honestly not sure how I managed it. Especially when you throw in the additional factor of the chronic illness.
For example, I think back to my third year particularly. I was renting a flat on my own, studying full time, which meant being on campus three days a week but also researching and rehearsing with the additional course materials too, and I was working three freelance jobs; Caterpillar Music – music and sensory fun with babies to nursery age children all over Edinburgh and the Lothians, ComputerXplorers – afterschool computing clubs for primary school kids in and around Edinburgh, and Razzmatazz Theatre School – teaching drama from ages five to eighteen in Corstorphine. My days were busy! I also remember the burnout that hit at that time. It lasted four months. Don’t get me wrong, I loved those jobs! I gave them everything I had, second to my studies. Maybe that was one of the issues though. Looking back on it, whilst I very much believe I did what I had to do to get by, if I were to go back and do it again, with my wiser self, I’d do things a little differently. But isn’t that what it’s all about? Acknowledging where it’s gone wrong and ensuring it doesn’t happen again?
My relationship with boundaries now
Lately I’ve been seeing a therapist. I’ve had some ups and downs with work relating to stress. Essentially, giving so much of myself to the work, the students, and my colleagues, that I’ve not been looking after me. That’s on me and I absolutely do not grudge that. However, I’m learning that it’s not healthy.
I’ve realised some things so far in the journey of self-care and self-awareness. It is ok to give yourself time and space and feel your feelings. But more importantly, it’s ok to say no, and it’s ok to feel guilty about it. Even though you know there is nothing you should actually feel guilty about.
I’ve recently been working harder at being more assertive with my own boundaries. Making decisions on how much of myself I give to work at the university is one of them. I work Monday to Friday 9-5pm. That’s it. Does it mean I don’t get my to do list completed during the day? Maybe. Does it mean it will take longer to get some things done? Also ,maybe. Does the world fall to pieces? No. The work is still there the following day. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m sure there will be some exceptions where I work beyond the 9-5pm, but it will be because I’m choosing to, and it will be for my benefit. One of the reasons I started the blog venture, was to have something for me, a way to spend my time in the way I want it to be spent. Not the ways in which I felt it was being demanded to be spent.
Why is it so hard to put boundaries in place?
Well, there isn’t just one reason that makes putting boundaries in place difficult. In my opinion there are a number of reasons! I’m sure many of you out there will relate to these…
1. not wanting to say no.
2. not wanting to upset people.
3. saying yes for an easy life.
4. generally, just wanting to be there for people.
5. you don’t want to let anyone down.
6. you don’t feel confident enough to assert yourself (which is obviously totally ok! I’m not brilliant at it myself.)
My personal favourite is number five. Which ones resonate with you? Are there any that aren’t on the list that impact you? Let me know.
What can you take away from this?
Well, let’s go back to the five areas to create boundaries: Intellectual, Emotional, Physical, Social, and Spiritual.
Think about your own situation. Do you think there are areas of your life you would like to change? Do you feel you give too much of your time to work? Do you give too much of your energy to other people? When do you give time to you? Pick one area of your life and focus on that and make a small change. You’ll be surprised by how much that small change can make a big impact.
Let’s take work for example. Maybe you’re someone who puts in way more hours than you’re actually paid for. That could be your starting point. Take half an hour away from that time and turn it in to ‘me’ time. Or maybe you’re the ‘yes’ person. I challenge you, for once, try to say no.
I’m not saying any of it will be easy, but I am saying that in a short space of time, I already feel so much better about the ways in which I use my energy and my time. I’d love to hear how you get on, so if you’d be willing to share, fire me a message.
Change starts with you.
This has been a SmartPonders.
Thanks for reading!
Steph x
SmartPonders 