For those that follow my content regularly, you’ll know that a colleague and myself had a proposed book chapter accepted into an upcoming Routledge companion. If you are not familiar with Routledge, it’s a pretty big deal, especially in the academic world. at least I think so. Today’s ponder is an honest and frank dissection of what’s going on with the brick walls I’m facing. If you’re wondering why you’re not able to get something done, even though you know you need to, you may well take something from this.
How it all began…
It all came about as a throw away comment – which on reflection seems to be a pattern with me, I say/commit without thinking, more on that later. A call for book chapter proposals came out through a mailing list I’m on. It was for content around festivals and the relationship with Edutainment. Edutainment being the hybrid of education and entertainment. As someone who has recently had a post-graduate programme on Festival and Event Management, this was right up my street. I was considering putting in a proposal but had been putting it off (this is another pattern I recognise). On mentioning the call for proposals to a colleague, he suggested we co-write the chapter. It was all very quick, over a weekend, where we put together the proposal and sent it off on its merry way. That was in the November. We’d hear back in the January. Whilst I was happy with the proposal, I’ll be honest, I never actually considered the thought that that chapter would be accepted. Which it was. In January. The first draft of the chapter is due on the 25th of April, and it’s fast approaching. I have some words on the page, but nowhere near where I need to be, and yet, I have what feels like a mental barrier in the way that appears to be preventing me from getting anywhere. So, let’s unpick that…
The Procrastinator
For the longest time I have been the sort of person who works better working to a tight deadline than one with plenty time. I don’t like it, but I always get things done. It’s like the pressure makes the motivation, which makes the action. However, that is problematic because it then means I’m not taking action until I feel motivation, and the reality is that motivation actually follows action. It’s a misconception that motivation comes first. The issue is I then become dependent on feeling motivated first, rather than just making a start. So, I procrastinate starting the thing.
This is what I call the Procrastinator – the version of myself that is set in her ways, and so used to things working a certain way. Therefore, I will put off starting the project because I’m waiting to feel the pressure and for it to feel like, I guess the best way I can describe this is ‘The stars are aligned’. Everything is as it should be, and I can begin – essentially based on a notion that I expect things to work in a certain way on a project and can’t work on the project until the things are in their certain way. Does that make any sense?? I’m trying my best to explain it.
If the Procrastinator makes sense to you, let me know in the comments! Do you have reasons for procrastination, or do you have tasks you use to procrastinate with?
Are you a procrastinator?
The Imposter
The Imposter is a version of myself that came into existence probably around the time I started my Masters. Grounded in the notions of disbelief, that I, a working-class lass from the Highlands of Scotland who wanted to be an actress, would be clever enough to be offered an interview, let alone a place on a master’s programme. Several things I want to make clear here.
- I am aware that I’m in a privileged position to even be able to write about it. (Maybe there’s a connection here).
- I know I am intelligent – Not Mensa material, but also not HeiHei from Moana either.
- As with all SmartPonders posts, this isn’t about pity, it’s about sharing my experiences, in the hope it resonates with others.
So, what do I mean by Imposter? Well, it’s a reasonably recent research area in psychology, first coined in 1970s by psychologists Suzanne Imes, PhD, and Pauline Rose Clance, PhD. The idea behind the imposter phenomenon, also known today as imposter syndrome, is that there is a disparity between what a person achieves, versus the internal experience of the individual. They will often feel like they don’t belong, or that they are living someone else’s life. They are waiting for others to find out that they are actually a fraud. Which of course is not the case. But as we know by now, the brain is a powerful thing.
Since starting work as a university lecturer, I feel this. Quite often. I’m waiting for the moment when I’m caught out. On a logical and rational level, I know this is nonsense. But I feel it all the same. I think this feeling as a big part to do with the book chapter. That out of all the proposals submitted, ours was picked.
I think that the procrastinator, who likes things in order, and the imposter, who believes she isn’t knowledgeable enough, both have some level of impact on the process of writing the book chapter. Ultimately, they impede progress.
How many of you can resonate with the imposter?
Let me know in the comments!
However, there is one more version of me to meet.
The Saboteur
This version is the one I don’t fully understand yet. She is the saboteur. She is the one that gets in the way of success. The one that lives by the failure moto ‘if I don’t start it, then I can’t fail at it.’ I don’t like her. Not one bit. And yet, she still makes an appearance.
She used to be very present in all things health and fitness. She’s the voice at the back of my head that says,
‘Gasp, you’ve eaten a normal portion of chocolate. The diet is ruined. It’s over.’ Whilst placing the back of her hand across her forehead.
Or
‘You’ve not done your 30 minutes of exercise today. You’ve ruined the week and your life.’ Throwing herself onto the bed in exasperation.
She’s very dramatic.
I’ve learned to somewhat manage her in the health context by challenging my thoughts and mindset. Something is better than nothing, and I shouldn’t live by an all or nothing approach. Yet she’s still here with me in the work context. I think in this instance, I acknowledge she’s here, dig a little deeper to consider how to remove her entirely, and also question her existence in the first place, however, all of those things sit beyond the scope of today’s blog. Just know she’s here, and likes to prevent action as a form of preservation? Hmm. More on her later, I think. She’ll likely need a whole blog!
Do you have a saboteur that makes an appearance in aspects of your life?
let me know in the comments.
In conclusion…
There are three main areas getting in the way, however when it comes down to it, it’s still me getting in the way of me. It goes back to mindset and what I was speaking about in the blog post about my health overhaul. Channelling that Growth Mindset, and very much taking a dose of my own medicine by saying, ‘I haven’t written the book chapter, yet.’
As i wrap up this ponder, I want to finish on the positives.
- I’ll continue on my journey of self-discovery and self-improvement. I don’t plan to go anywhere anytime soon.
- This too shall pass. Meaning things won’t always feel / be this way. Thanks to Tom Hanks for that one.
- Self-improvement is a marathon and not a sprint.
- I will continue to work on the book chapter. Any progress is better than no progress.
- This blog was written as a form of productive procrastination…
This has been a SmartPonders.
Thanks for reading.
Steph x
References
Clance, P.R. & Imes, S. (1978) ‘The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women:
Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention’. Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice [online] 15(3). Available from https://www.paulineroseclance.com/pdf/ip_high_achieving_women.pdf
Weir, K. (2013) ‘Feel like a fraud?’ American Psychological Association [online]. Available from https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud
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