This ponder follows a wonderful weekend I had recently with my best friends. It’s about the importance of love, laughter, and acceptance. Buckle up, it’s going to get mushy.
The scene begins eleven years ago in Edinburgh. It’s early September, and the buzz about the halls of residence is evident. I’d tried to leave home at the age of seventeen and just wasn’t ready, so packed it all in and came home. This time moving away, I’m both older and (marginally) wiser. It’s five years later. I’m in a shared flat with four others. They are all lovely which is a relief, however in the first couple of weeks, I don’t spend that much time with them. I already have some friends in the city and like the idea of some semblance of familiarity in my world where most things are new, and at times, quite scary. Although all the girls in the flat are nice, there was one that was slightly full on. Persistent is probably a good word to use. She lived in the room next door. Her name is Simone. In fresher’s weeks she’d invited me to a couple of different things, but I had plans. On reflection, I’m not sure why I didn’t invite her to come along. I later found out that this was something that she was a bit miffed at. She called her pal to say that her new halls flatmates were fine, but the girl next door (me) wasn’t that interested in doing things because she ‘had her own pals.’ The friend she was on the phone to is Claire. The first few weeks passed, and Simone and I started to hang out more. It’s hard to avoid someone when you live with them, plus she would regularly knock on my room door, to invite herself in to use my mirror. I had a full length one. She’d come in, chat nonsense, all the while staring at herself in the mirror. She also said my room felt homey. Within a month I knew that there was no escaping her. We’d already bonded over conversations of sex, bowel movements and the population of Perth. The bond was going nowhere, and I was ok with it. Which is just as well really, because realistically I didn’t have much choice. She had decided we were going to be friends and that was that. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
As we got to know the other students in the halls, we met Amy. She was a tiny Orcadian girl with blonde hair and a big smile. She reminded me of a pocket-sized Reece Witherspoon. She was studying animal biology with a laugh that would brighten any room. Especially when she found something beyond hilarious and ended up sounding like a donkey. She too would hang out in my room. Not as regular as Simone, who now used it as a place to have an existential crisis with any piece of uni work due.
Claire became part of the clan a little later in the semester. Her and Simone had met at college and hit it off, but she lived in Edinburgh, so chose not to stay in halls. That being said, she’d come along to nights out and regularly stayed in Simone’s room. She was quiet and shy at first. It wasn’t long before she was very much part of the halls experience.
As the end of first year approached, and with many nights out, adventures, movie nights, and shopping trips under our belt, the four of us decided to get a flat together. It was a beautiful four bed end terrace villa over three floors in the city. It was the next chapter and solidified our unity as besties. We’ve had many, many chapters since then, and I wouldn’t change any of them for the world.
We’re now eleven and a half years on from that first year at uni and it’s clear none of us are going anywhere. We’ve been there for each other through so much already. Heartbreaks, losses, loves, laughter, celebrations, and commiserations, and so many games of ‘hide and seek’ in the dark I couldn’t possibly count. They are the sort of friends you can call in the middle of the night and cry at. The sort of friends who you could show up on their doorstep looking lost, they’d have no questions, and no judgement. They’d let you in, give you a hug and put on the kettle for a cuppa. The sort of friends who love unconditionally, accepting you for everything you are. They are my clan.
This weekend was the first time the four of us had been together (unaccompanied by our other halves) since Easter 2019, when we had a girl’s weekend to a converted steading with hot tub in Dumfries. When the four of us get together it’s a riot. That’s the best way I can describe. It’s gushy and full of cuddles and we laugh until it hurts. We play games, we talk nonsense, we have deep chats. We revert to our first-year selves without a care in the world. It is beautiful. It’s funny because I’m not sure words have the power to describe what it’s like beyond that. Its safety, its love, its support, and its acceptance. We are our clan.
On Friday, we ate our body weight in antipasti and quiche, drinking gin and chatting into the early hours of the morning. Saturday, we met my sister and went for breakfast. The server made me a chocolate milkshake and added sprinkles to it. Secretly when I’m not working as a professional educator, I’m actually an eight-year-old. We wandered the city, had iced tea in the park and power napped before going out for dinner and cocktails. We played Truth or Dare and laughed until we couldn’t breathe. One of the truths Simone posed to Claire was ‘if you had to, out of the clan, who would you snog, who would you shag, and who would you marry?’ As you can imagine, this became a recurring conversation throughout the weekend, as we each took it in turn to consider and justify our choices. Simone concluded she couldn’t possibly marry Claire because of how she organises her fridge, opting to marry Amy instead, stating that ‘Amy would make a good wife. She’d take care of me.’ Claire on the other hand opted not to marry Amy purely based on the fact that Amy has chickens and Claire has a fear of birds. Much hilarity ensued. We spent the afternoon of Sunday eating pastries and cinnamon rolls washed down with coffee.
I know that we are lucky to have each other. People go through life looking for the sort of connection the four of us have and may never find it. However, I believe that shouldn’t stop you from searching.
When you find people who you click with, or people you find interesting, or people who make you laugh, and even people who listen. Hold on to them. They are the ones that are worth their weight in gold.
Don’t let go.
When you do find them, never take them for granted, and make sure to make time for them. Friendships, like all relationships take time and they take effort, but it’s always time and effort you’re willing to spend. I believe that spending time with true friends shouldn’t feel like a chore. There should be a balance where you’re both there for each other, and it not be one sided. In the same way as being in a romantic relationship = each person has needs, yes compromise and negotiation are used, but ultimately when needs aren’t being met, the relationship usually comes to an end.
When you find true friends, hold on to them with both hands. They are hard to come by. What I’ve had reinforced this weekend are the little moments that matter. Your friends trying to decide what to have from a menu. Your friends catching you doing something stupid. The moment to all have a group hug and don’t want to let go. The small moments are the fuel for the heart and soul. Appreciate those small moments, because ultimately those are the ones that matter. The beauty and love in the every day.
I challenge you! Find your clan and feed your heart and soul.
If you have a clan already, hold them a little tighter, and appreciate them a little more.
They are gold dust.
As I sit on the train home and reflect, I can say with certainty that I leave my friends with my heart full, and my soul replenished. It’s been wonderful.
This has been a gushy SmartPonders.
Thanks for reading.
Steph x
SmartPonders 