CW: Mental Health, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Chronic Illness
As I write this, I’m in two minds whether I’ll actually post it. If you’re reading this, obviously I have.
For those of you that follow the ponders, you’ll know I’ve not been all that great lately. I’m currently signed off from my work, struggling with both my mental and physical health. This is still very much an ongoing, day-at-a-time, process, which is what todays ponder is about. In some ways it feels like I have so much I want to say, to get out of my head and “down on paper” and in other ways I feel like I have nothing to say at all. There’s an emptiness. For whatever reason, writing things down, typing things out, and trying to release them feels somewhat helpful, cathartic maybe. As with all the posts I’ve written, it’s never about pity, or woe-is-me. It’s about sharing my experience. It’s about being open and creating spaces to have authentic and at times difficult conversations about mental illness. It’s about reminding others out there (and indeed myself) that we’re not alone.
This is my fourth week signed off. The doctor wrote depression on the script. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in a place like this. In fact, I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever been as bad as this, and that in and of itself is something I’m having difficulty accepting. The best way to describe it is as the title suggests. I’m either trudging through what feels like treacle or treading a tightrope. Except I can’t see how I got on the tightrope, nor can I see where it ends. It’s also windy and my balance is the human equivalent of a Weeble. The positive is that at least Weeble’s don’t fall down.
The peculiarity and frustrations of depression and anxiety
If you’ve experienced depression and/or anxiety, I’m sure many of the things I’m about to say will resonate. Again though, this is just my experience so far as I try to make sense of it all. Throughout my life I’ve had depressive episodes. Thankfully, not all that often, but valid all the same. Usually, it is anxiety that is my dominant demon. She’s been around for years, in various iterations, but the majority of the time I kick her out of the way and push through. However, this time, she’s kicking back, and she’s brought her pals. Low mood, lack of interest in anything, zoning out, empty head, but also loud noisy head, exhaustion, insomnia, comfort eating, not eating, and questioning whether any of it is real, and the tears. I know it is real, because I wouldn’t be having a mental breakdown in the middle of Starbucks for what appears to be no reason if it wasn’t real.
I’ve experienced what I would describe as mania. Spirals where I feel out of control of my thoughts and feelings, to the point it has scared me. There are also physical symptoms; pain both in the sense of acute pain where parts of my body radiate heat as well as a generalised ache in the entirety of my body, headaches, cough, dodgy throat, palpitations, difficulty breathing. You get the gist. I’m aware though that some, all, none, of this is related to my ME (and post-covid the second). And I think that’s a challenge. ME relapses at this point for me are an Olympic sport and I’m holding the gold medal. But this mental health episode feels beyond what I’ve experienced before.
When I’m at home, it’s my safe space, and most of the time, I feel somewhat fine. Maybe ‘fine’ isn’t the word. Neutral is probably more apt, or numb. Well, I feel what I perceive to be the physical ME symptoms mentioned above, but mentally I feel ok. But not ok. I think this is part of the problem, I’ve set the bar so high as to what ‘ok’ actually feels like, that the reality is I’m pretty far away from that. Let’s face it, when we’re ok, and we’re mentally well, we’re not having emotional outbursts over Rhianna’s new single in the car, nor are we greeting over being asked how we are or reaching for the tissues because the astronaut in the film we’re watching has just come into contact with a solar flare and is doomed to die. Right now, I’m not ok. And that is ok. This will take time, and I need to be ok with that too and not be frustrated with myself that I’m not better yet. I’m working on that part. It will take as long as it takes.
Perceived or anticipated judgement from others
Why is it we feel guilty for taking time off when it’s something relating to our mental health? Why are we made to feel ashamed when we try to actively remain connected to the real world, and the people in it? Trust me, it would be so, so easy to give in, to stay in bed all day, to retreat from the world. I’m fighting that every day. Just because I’m signed off from work, does not mean I’m signed off from life. Imagine my surprise when I psyched myself up to return to the building (as a trial for my originally planned return to work the following week) to observe a rehearsal in the evening. It was going to be quiet, and I was going to be with supportive people, and it wasn’t going to be too demanding emotionally, mentally, or physically. It was the first time being back in the building since my PTSD episode begun. My intention was to create a new positive association with work to prepare to return.
I genuinely thought I’d be ok returning to the building, but I wasn’t. I’d managed to overcome the panic attack in the car park – which felt like crashing face first into a wall – only to be met with, “if you’re signed off, I can’t let you in. You Shouldn’t be here if you’re signed off.” I did get into the space eventually, but the reason I share that is because there will always be people who will judge. There will always be people who don’t understand.
This may be a surprise to learn but depression is not [always] lying curled up and crying all the time. That definitely makes an appearance, but brave faces can and are worn. There’s a saying… “don’t judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” Any time that I have been in a recovery there are three principles that I return to.
- Where possible move. Whether that’s walking, stretching, just moving around the house.
- Remain connected. Fight the urge to run away. This is why I’m opening up about all this because I know there will be others who want to conceal what they are going through and also want to run away.
Note though, no one says you have to talk about what you’re going through. But I know from my experience, talking about it does help. It’s better to release the thoughts and feelings either aloud or writing it down, than keeping it stored in the body and mind. - Find something that you like doing, or previously enjoyed doing, and set time in your week to do that. There will be times you definitely don’t want to do it but make that promise to yourself that you will try. For me, that’s what it is about – trying. For many depression is not necessarily living every minute of the day in despair, although for me there are days like that. There are still moments where I laugh, where I feel lighter, and when I feel (somewhat) function. However, there is a cloud, a dread, or an anxiety that follows. Part of the fight is trusting the process, feelings the feels, and looking for those moments of achievement and gratitude regardless of how small those moments are.
If you’re lucky enough not to have experience of depression and anxiety, please don’t contribute to the challenges that others face by invalidating our attempts to heal. Just be kind. Just be compassionate. It’s that simple!
Healing, processing, and moving forward
Ultimately, at this point, I don’t know what healing looks like. I’m in contact with the GP and a mental health specialist to work through what needs to be worked though. I recognise that I’m in a privileged position to be able to access that support.
Although things are glum right now, rest assured I’m not going anywhere. I also have no doubt at all that, as with all things, this too shall pass, and I’ll come out the other side of it having learned something.
My track record for health wins, just like yours is 100%. I’m certainly not about to break that. Here are some reminders that I leave you with.
Your illness, your bump in the road, your dark days, they are only one part of you. They do not define you.
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Everything is temporary. Thoughts, feelings, emotions. Take it hour by hour, day by day if you need to.
This too shall pass.
Included below are some resources you may find useful to dip in and out of as you see fit.
One day at a time Ponderers. One day at a time. Sending love.
This has been a SmartPonders.
Thank you for reading
Steph x
Resources
Mind – “We won’t give up until everyone experiencing a mental health problem gets support and respect.”
Mikeysline – People struggle on a daily basis with a multitude of emotional and mental health difficulties, yet only a fraction of people feel able to talk about it. We are here to help change that.
NHS Mental Health – Find information and support for your mental health.
Mental Health UK – Downloadable resources to support mental wellbeing.
Young Minds – Supporting your mental health. Whether you want to understand more about how you’re feeling and find ways to feel better, or you want to support someone who’s struggling, we can help.
Mental Health Resource – We provide safe spaces & person-centred mental health support in our community.
SAMH – if you’re going through a tough time, you’re not alone. We’ve got lots of information and resources to help.
Clear Your Head – Getting the right help and support when you need it.
Citizen’s Advice Bureau – Mental Health information and support.
Breathing Space – Sometimes our thoughts and feelings can overwhelm us. It helps to get some Breathing Space. Pick up the phone – we’re here to listen.
Supporting Minds – We believe anyone affected by mental health issues deserves compassionate and expert support.
Blurt – Increasing awareness and understanding of depression.
PTSD UK – PTSD UK is the only charity in the UK dedicated to raising awareness of post-traumatic stress disorder – no matter the trauma that caused it.
Anxiety UK – We offer an extensive range of support services designed to help you to control your anxiety rather than letting it control you.
Dr Julie Smith – A Clinical Psychologist, online educator, vlogger, and owner of a private practice in Hampshire, England. She has devoted her career to learning everything about mental health and the intricacies of the human mind.
Mel Robbins – real-life motivation ripped from a page of her own life. Every issue is packed with deeply relatable topics, tactical advice, hilarious screwups, compelling conversations, and the tools and inspiration you need to create a better life.
SmartPonders 