It’s been a while Ponderers. As always I hope you’re doing AOK. I haven’t been all that OK lately, but that is ok. The purpose of today’s blog is to start to unpack everything that’s been going on.
Firstly, it’s important for me to acknowledge that nothing has changed, but actually everything has changed since I last posted. I think it’s time to start getting all those things out into the world.
There has been a lot going on, and I haven’t had the head space to get any of those thoughts together enough to form coherent sentences. I started writing this blog about a month ago, and am only now starting to be well enough to approach it again. Grab a cuppa and buckle up. We’ve got a lot to get through.
Let me set the scene.
Back in March of 2024, Ade and I had a traumatic experience where sadly a man lost his life. For Ade, this was a tipping point that resulted in a mental breakdown. Since then, he has been working well to heal and recover, getting support from the GP, and a therapist. Within his journey, we started looking at Autism. (Ever since we got together, seven and a half years ago, I’d asked if he’d ever considered that he might be autistic.) The fast-forward andcondensed version of the story is yes. He is. He got his diagnosis in September 2024. For him, this was relief and enlightenment. Finally things made sense for him in a way they hadn’t ever.
However, during the lead up to, and following the assessment, we were deep diving into what autism is, how it presents differently in the sense of men, women, levels of masking, support levels; learning as much as we could! Through this, I began recognising traits of my own.
For transparency, I’ve always acknowledged that I have autistic traits. I also acknowledge that I’ve always been a little different and quirky. But I’d never really considered that I could be autistic. In my head, I wondered how many traits meant a diagnosis. Spoiler, that’s not really how it works.
So I set out to prove a point that I wasn’t. Because by this point, I needed to know one way or the other.
I completed paperwork, and started the ball rolling for an autism assessment, following a presentation of said paperwork as evidence to my GP, who supported a referral.
There was more paperwork to complete, and evidence to gather in preparation for the assessment. I won’t go into details today, but there was a lot of preparation to do. Understandably.
Fast forward eight weeks and I had the assessment, and in November 2024 I was diagnosed with Autism – achieving full marks against the DSM5 criteria no less. I have always been an overachiever (*rolls eyes*). However, the story doesn’t end there. Oh no no. The clinician also said that she suspected I also have ADHD.
So here’s me. Facing the clinician, sobbing, not because I’m sad, but because I’m overwhelmed.
In that moment, nothing changed and everything changed.
From that moment, I began seeing it. Seeing every trait, the masks, the impact of it all. My life from child to adult replaying every misunderstanding and miscommunication. But it wasn’t until January that it came to a head, when my manager asked me how I was. And I broke down. Everything is too much, I feel like I can’t breathe and I feel like I need to just stop and sit with it all.
What happened at the start of January was like a fuse being pulled from my system. Like my brain lost function. I couldn’t focus on anything, couldn’t string sentences together, and needed to hide away from the world. Fatigue hit me like a wrecking ball, with mental and emotional exhaustion setting up camp, combined with the inability to emotionally regulate. Everything felt overwhelming, overpowering, and draining.
With support from my own GP, a therapist, beautiful friends and family (you know who you are) I am taking the time to heal.
Whilst I’m definitely not out of the woods yet, I can see a path forming. A path where I can process and accept the person I really am. It’s like I’ve been given a new pair of glasses and can now see everything so much more clearly.
For the first time, in a very long time (maybe even ever?!), I am putting myself first, to discover who I am, and what I need, to not just survive, but thrive.
For the record, none of this is a negative for me. It’s like a key to a locked door that is now open. It’s a way of understanding myself and how I operate that I didn’t know I needed. And I know deep down that this will be (and is) the best thing that could possibly happen.
As author and poet Vironika Wilde so articulately puts it,
“You’ll never know who you are unless you shed who you pretend to be.”
Sending love out
Steph x
SmartPonders 