Truth and Trauma

CONTENT WARNING: Trauma, PTSD, Anxiety and Mental Health

The following blog discusses Trauma in a broad sense, as well as PTSD, anxiety, and mental health. It feels like something I need to write and as always, its honest and grounded in my experiences.

We all have a brain. We all have emotions. We all have feelings. We all have so many of those things shared. And yet, how can we begin to explain what is going on inside our heads when we don’t even understand yet.

Those of you who are close to me will know I’m not doing too well at the moment; emotionally, mentally, and physically. The short version, and as much of the story I’m willing to tell here, is I have PTSD. It’s quite new and related to a trauma I experienced a wee while back. The diagnosis came as a shock to be honest, but it makes a lot of sense now. Recently, it’s been triggered in a way I never anticipated, and in a way that unlike anything I’ve experienced before.

Last year, work was stressful as was my personal life. It is my belief that each person only has so much capacity at any one time. When our energies (capacity) are being directed to places where energy is in high demand, it’s no surprise that our ability to deal with the everyday suffers. That is the case for any healthy person, let alone for those who have health conditions that can be and are exacerbated by stress. As a result of the demands of my energies, I ended up being off sick. On my return to work, I attended an Occupational Health Review. A regular occurrence. One of the recommendations was that I be supported through CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) sessions to explore stress management. I’m all for trying things out and I have positive experience with CBT too – It’s better to have tried something to then know if it works or not, than to write it off before giving it a go.

Fast forward to the first session with the therapist who we’ll call M. She was warm and supportive from the get-go. We talked about who I was as a person, what I was hoping to gain from the sessions, what I was interested in and then she asked if I’d experienced any Trauma. I shook my head and said no. Because Trauma is what happens when you’ve experienced violence, abuse, near death experiences, war etc. Except it’s not.

Trauma can include events where you feel:
frightened
under threat
humiliated
rejected
abandoned
invalidated
unsafe
unsupported
trapped
ashamed
powerless.

Ways trauma can happen include:
one-off or ongoing events
being directly harmed
witnessing harm to someone else
living in a traumatic atmosphere
being affected by trauma in a family or community.

Mind (2022)

I learned very quickly that I do indeed have Trauma. Things I have experienced that I buried in a box, inside a box, under a vat of concrete. The only differences now are I know what to call it, and M has arrived with her pneumatic drill to help me break it all apart. I think so many of us have Trauma but don’t recognise it as Trauma because of the same reason I didn’t recognise my own.

Recently, my PTSD was triggered in a way I did not anticipate, and as I write this, I’m very much still in this ‘stuck’ phase, which I’ll try to explain more on. I hesitate to use the word ‘trigger’ as its often bandied about as a way to poke fun and mock. However, several things are worth mentioning before I expand on what I mean by ‘stuck’.

  1. Trauma is subjective. Just because one person experienced something awful and bounced back, does not invalidate what someone else has gone, or is going, through. We don’t experience things in the same way because we all have our own brain.
  2. It’s not your place to make a judgement on someone else’s trauma. Just because you can’t relate to it, it doesn’t magically make the experience disappear for the other person.
  3. Saying things like ‘get over it’, ‘man up’ or anything to that effect is not helpful. From my experience, I don’t want to feel this way any longer than is necessary. Most people do not want to be struggling mentally. They just don’t. What is worth acknowledging though is just how hard it can be to build that ladder to pull yourself out of the hole. For some, staying in the hole is easier. It doesn’t mean its nicer. I believe that people will do the things they need to when they are ready and able to do them.

Going back to this idea of being ‘Stuck’. It’s the best way I can describe how I’m feeling right now, and it comes with a plethora of supporting actors. Firstly, there is anxiety. This constant vibration in my body where I feel on high alert. I don’t even know what I’m on high alert for, but I feel it. There is a tightness in my chest, and a heaviness on my head and shoulders. My body feels off kilter. Imbalanced. My brain is forgetful, it’s foggy, and it is functioning in a way that means I try to leave the house without shoes on or put the milk away in the microwave. That sort of ridiculousness, that thankfully, I have managed to catch myself doing. I can then pause, breathe, and then change whatever needs to be changed. Cognitively I’m just not firing on all cylinders, and whne I think about what’s happening in my body and mind, it’s not a surprise. Then there are the tears. There’s been a lot of them lately. It’s like I have all these emotions being held in my body and they want out. So, I’m letting them out as they arise. Whilst at the same time feeling a hesitation at letting them out. Then of course if all that wasn’t enough, there is the fatigue. I’m used to feeling fatigue, but this fatigue has similarities with a relapse with my ME. Being drained emotionally, physically, and mentally. I’m more irritable than normal, have a consistent low mood and I feel angry. Angry about a lot of things, which isn’t normally where I sit. Then there is frustration. A frustration that I’m ‘stuck’. A frustration that I feel all these things and yet can’t make sense of them all yet. A frustration at myself for feeling like I’m letting people down. That I’m letting myself down. A frustration at myself that I’m not OK.

And this is why we need to have conversations about mental health and wellbeing. Its complex. There is no one size fits all, but there are three things I do know right now in this moment.

  1. I feel better for having gotten these words out into the world.
  2. I am not alone. The love and support from those close to me has been overwhelming. And I’m forever grateful for that.
  3. This too shall pass and this feeling of being ‘stuck’ is temporary because I give it no other fucking option.

To anyone else who is struggling right now, I see you and I hear you. You take it day by day, minute by minute if you need to, and you speak out. Find just one person and tell them you’re not doing great. And if someone comes to you to say they are struggling, if you have capacity to do so, please hold space for them to be seen and heard. Now more than ever, we as humans need to be there for each other.

This has been a SmartPonders.
Thanks for reading. x

If you’ve been affected by anything discussed in this blog, please look to these resources for help, guidance, and support:

https://www.mind.org.uk/

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/get-help

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

https://www.rethink.org/

https://www.blurtitout.org/resource/mental-health-toolkit/

https://www.ptsduk.org/

https://www.kooth.com/

https://www.mikeysline.co.uk/

The Joy of Authenticity in Performance: reflections from a lecturer

I’m back!! Miss me? Don’t worry! Normal service is resuming!

It’s been a wild time for me personally of late, which resulted in me having to take a step back from all extra curriculars – SmartPonders being one of those! However, now i’m on holiday, and have put some distance between this last term, I’m back! This ponder serves to celebrate the work of the fourth-year students and their contributions to the annual Swansong Performer’s showcase.

This time of year is always bitter-sweet, as it’s when the fourth years, most of whom I’ve taught and supported over the last four years, move on to the next chapter of their lives. It’s amazing to see how much they’ve grown and achieved, but equally sad as they are no longer part of your day to day. They don’t warn you that about teaching. The part when the students leave…
On the 25th of April 2022 the fourth-year students on the BA (hons) Drama and Production degree shared their autonomous practitioner projects to the world. There were twenty-minute solo performances that they had each been working on over the past year. The idea being it’s a culmination of four years of development, skill, and practice. It was entirely up to them what they produced, with some opting for live, some opting for digital, and some opting for autobiographical, some for fiction and some for the down-right disturbing.
This ponder celebrates the importance of authenticity in their performances and the golden nuggets of beauty and love that I’m taking away from it all.

Before I go on, it’s important to establish what I mean by authenticity. The dictionary definition defines it as ‘of undisputed origin and not a copy; genuine.’ The word originality coming to mind. Without a doubt, the pieces created by the students were just that; original and authentic.

A Second Chance at Life

The first piece to kick off the event, titled A Second Chance at Life used both live performance and pre-recorded media – an honest and heart-warming celebration of one student’s experience of adoption. It demonstrated beautifully what family means, with a visual presentation of the achievements of both parents and their love for the student and her siblings. There is usually a moment in each piece that I watch that is the ‘awh’ or the ‘wow’ or the ‘yikes’ or even the ‘what?!’ For this piece, it came when the student as a child asked her mother about not coming from her mother’s tummy, the mother replied,

You may not have grown in my stomach, but you did grow in my heart. And that’s what matters most.

A Second Chance at Life

I’m not ashamed to say there was a small tear that began to form. It made my heart cosy. My takeaway from the piece – once you find your family, hold on to them.

Press Pause

The second piece of the day was a live performance one woman show that provided an honest account of the pressures young people face. This autobiographical piece celebrated mistakes, opportunities not taken, and the notion that there is more than one road to get to your destination. It was funny and it was heart-felt. So much of the story resonated with my own journey to where I am today, and I found myself in agreement with the sentiments of the piece. The highlight being…

When people tell you to grow up – say no.

Press Pause

Say it louder for those in the back…

Rosaline

This was a treat! A witty one-person exposé on the life and influence of Rosaline from Shakespeare’s Romeo and Julliet. Told from the character’s perspective she asks what if she’d have been less dismissive of Romeo, would Romeo have still been mesmerised by Julliet? So many what ifs and all of them plausible! The defining moment being when Rosaline’s awareness comes full circle, when she says,

When you’re not a character, but a plot device.’

Rosaline

I loved this line, because there have been times in the past when I think about the role I play in my life and the role I play in the lives of others. A cracking ponder point for sure!

In Creation

So… funny story. This piece was stunning. An autobiographical film about identity, belonging and rediscovering who you are and what defines you when things don’t work out the way you’ve planned them in your head. Once the film was over, the student was in the back room, I went through to check on her. Well, that was my intention. As I’ve said, it’s an emotional time especially when your work is shared, and you realise that the finish line of fourth year isn’t all that far away. However, rather than comfort her, I found myself fighting back the tears, as I struggled to say what I desperately wanted to. Generally speaking, whilst I do consider myself to be an emotional person, when I’m in a work context, this is never a problem, unless I’m acting. However, something about her film just hit. So much of what was said hit home regarding my own journey with my chronic illness to where I am now.

When you spend your life doing things for other people, who are you when people aren’t around?

In Creation

The Tale of Henry the Happy Pumpkin

Henry dreams of a life beyond the farm. He can’t wait to move to the big city to see what’s in store. This multi-media puppet performer tale was full of twists and turns. The best part for me was seeing the piece alive and on stage. It was four years ago that Henry first came into being in an HNC class where the student wrote his tale then. To see the piece now realised into performance is a wonderful testament to the learning journey and being open to the possibilities of the work you create. Never bin ideas, merely shelf them, because you’ll never know when they’ll appear again.

N.D.E.

An intimate and at times unsettling exploration of death served on an in-the-round platter. It crossed languages, headspaces, and the physical and metaphysical worlds. It asked the question what happens when we die. It’s something that, I’ll be honest, I don’t consider all that often. Mostly because I don’t like to think about it. I guess there are many out there that will relate. Even though it’s a given that we all will die, I’d rather focus my energies on living, rather than waiting to die. Regardless, it was an eerie performance that was thought-provoking and gave me plenty to ponder!

Growth

An exploration of what Growth means grounded in the idea of knowing you have boots, knowing you can fill them, but embracing the journey to get there. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t actually get to see this performance. Between the break from the last piece, I nipped out to the bathroom, leaving my access pass in the performing arts studio. By the time I got back from the bathroom, the doors were locked, and I had no way of getting in. Thankfully, we had the performances recorded so I can see the journey taken to get those boots filled!

Power Surge!

A short film about the menopause told from the perspective of a vlogger documenting their quest for knowledge and solidarity. A well-written, emotional, and heart-warming insight into the value of connecting with people and sharing experiences. Within the film, a support network called the ‘Sweaty Bettys’ was formed, a network that should absolutely be a thing. I like to think of myself as a bit away from the menopause yet, but as with all challenges I have encountered, they are best tackled with a supportive group of people behind you.

Journ.

Another short film that explored mental health. It was told as a first-person narrative highlighting challenges and documenting the process of filming the film within the film. It was authentic, heart-breaking in points, but also inspiring. A showcase of strength when the odds are stacked against you. The student was unable to make the choice between calling the film journey or journal. A good thing, as I think Journ captures it beautifully. The key message to celebrate being…

You are alive.

Journ.

Mary

A beautiful celebration of love, family, and legacy. This homage to Granny Mary demonstrated the ways in which her love for her friends, family and life still exists today, through the many people she loved, and who loved her in return. I’m not ashamed to say I cried. It was beautiful and made me think of my own Nana and the life lessons she has instilled, and continues to instil, in me today.

Addicted

An insight into the realities of addiction. The impact for the individual, but also those around them. A heart-wrenching performance that highlighted some of the complexities that aren’t so easily seen from those out looking in. It’s often too easy to have an opinion when you’re on the outside. It was a connected, and truthful snapshot of a family’s struggle.

The Dame

The final instalment of Swansong 2022 celebrated the Panto Dame. This short film saw the transformation before our very eyes, as the actor put on their makeup and costume reminiscing about the trials and tribulations, as well as the jokes and joy of pantomime. It was great to see snippets from past Dame performances mixed in there too. A comedic representation of the cross-roads between him and her, that showed despite the ups and downs, the Dame will always get her way.

The Joy in Authenticity

There is no doubting that they past two and a half years have been challenging, and that those challenges continue. But what I take solace in is the resourcefulness and resilience of the students I get to work with. They continue to push, to surprise, to develop, to explore, and to create. This was never more evident than in this showcase, with authenticity being at the forefront. That despite odds being stacked against them, they pulled through with vigour and sass. And that’s what I’m here for.

So, here’s to the first graduating cohort on the BA (hons) Drama and Production programme. You’re all amazing and I’m so proud of the people, and the creatives you’ve become.
Congratulations to the Swansong class of 2022.

This has been a SmartPonders.
Thanks for reading x

Finding Your Clan: fuel for the heart and fuel for the soul.

This ponder follows a wonderful weekend I had recently with my best friends. It’s about the importance of love, laughter, and acceptance. Buckle up, it’s going to get mushy.

The scene begins eleven years ago in Edinburgh. It’s early September, and the buzz about the halls of residence is evident. I’d tried to leave home at the age of seventeen and just wasn’t ready, so packed it all in and came home. This time moving away, I’m both older and (marginally) wiser. It’s five years later. I’m in a shared flat with four others. They are all lovely which is a relief, however in the first couple of weeks, I don’t spend that much time with them. I already have some friends in the city and like the idea of some semblance of familiarity in my world where most things are new, and at times, quite scary. Although all the girls in the flat are nice, there was one that was slightly full on. Persistent is probably a good word to use. She lived in the room next door. Her name is Simone. In fresher’s weeks she’d invited me to a couple of different things, but I had plans. On reflection, I’m not sure why I didn’t invite her to come along. I later found out that this was something that she was a bit miffed at. She called her pal to say that her new halls flatmates were fine, but the girl next door (me) wasn’t that interested in doing things because she ‘had her own pals.’ The friend she was on the phone to is Claire. The first few weeks passed, and Simone and I started to hang out more. It’s hard to avoid someone when you live with them, plus she would regularly knock on my room door, to invite herself in to use my mirror. I had a full length one. She’d come in, chat nonsense, all the while staring at herself in the mirror. She also said my room felt homey. Within a month I knew that there was no escaping her. We’d already bonded over conversations of sex, bowel movements and the population of Perth. The bond was going nowhere, and I was ok with it. Which is just as well really, because realistically I didn’t have much choice. She had decided we were going to be friends and that was that. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

As we got to know the other students in the halls, we met Amy. She was a tiny Orcadian girl with blonde hair and a big smile. She reminded me of a pocket-sized Reece Witherspoon. She was studying animal biology with a laugh that would brighten any room. Especially when she found something beyond hilarious and ended up sounding like a donkey. She too would hang out in my room. Not as regular as Simone, who now used it as a place to have an existential crisis with any piece of uni work due.

Claire became part of the clan a little later in the semester. Her and Simone had met at college and hit it off, but she lived in Edinburgh, so chose not to stay in halls. That being said, she’d come along to nights out and regularly stayed in Simone’s room. She was quiet and shy at first. It wasn’t long before she was very much part of the halls experience.

As the end of first year approached, and with many nights out, adventures, movie nights, and shopping trips under our belt, the four of us decided to get a flat together. It was a beautiful four bed end terrace villa over three floors in the city. It was the next chapter and solidified our unity as besties. We’ve had many, many chapters since then, and I wouldn’t change any of them for the world.

We’re now eleven and a half years on from that first year at uni and it’s clear none of us are going anywhere. We’ve been there for each other through so much already. Heartbreaks, losses, loves, laughter, celebrations, and commiserations, and so many games of ‘hide and seek’ in the dark I couldn’t possibly count. They are the sort of friends you can call in the middle of the night and cry at. The sort of friends who you could show up on their doorstep looking lost, they’d have no questions, and no judgement. They’d let you in, give you a hug and put on the kettle for a cuppa. The sort of friends who love unconditionally, accepting you for everything you are. They are my clan.

This weekend was the first time the four of us had been together (unaccompanied by our other halves) since Easter 2019, when we had a girl’s weekend to a converted steading with hot tub in Dumfries. When the four of us get together it’s a riot. That’s the best way I can describe. It’s gushy and full of cuddles and we laugh until it hurts. We play games, we talk nonsense, we have deep chats. We revert to our first-year selves without a care in the world. It is beautiful. It’s funny because I’m not sure words have the power to describe what it’s like beyond that. Its safety, its love, its support, and its acceptance. We are our clan.

On Friday, we ate our body weight in antipasti and quiche, drinking gin and chatting into the early hours of the morning. Saturday, we met my sister and went for breakfast. The server made me a chocolate milkshake and added sprinkles to it. Secretly when I’m not working as a professional educator, I’m actually an eight-year-old. We wandered the city, had iced tea in the park and power napped before going out for dinner and cocktails. We played Truth or Dare and laughed until we couldn’t breathe. One of the truths Simone posed to Claire was ‘if you had to, out of the clan, who would you snog, who would you shag, and who would you marry?’ As you can imagine, this became a recurring conversation throughout the weekend, as we each took it in turn to consider and justify our choices. Simone concluded she couldn’t possibly marry Claire because of how she organises her fridge, opting to marry Amy instead, stating that ‘Amy would make a good wife. She’d take care of me.’ Claire on the other hand opted not to marry Amy purely based on the fact that Amy has chickens and Claire has a fear of birds. Much hilarity ensued. We spent the afternoon of Sunday eating pastries and cinnamon rolls washed down with coffee.

I know that we are lucky to have each other. People go through life looking for the sort of connection the four of us have and may never find it. However, I believe that shouldn’t stop you from searching.

When you find people who you click with, or people you find interesting, or people who make you laugh, and even people who listen. Hold on to them. They are the ones that are worth their weight in gold.

Don’t let go.

When you do find them, never take them for granted, and make sure to make time for them. Friendships, like all relationships take time and they take effort, but it’s always time and effort you’re willing to spend. I believe that spending time with true friends shouldn’t feel like a chore. There should be a balance where you’re both there for each other, and it not be one sided. In the same way as being in a romantic relationship = each person has needs, yes compromise and negotiation are used, but ultimately when needs aren’t being met, the relationship usually comes to an end.

When you find true friends, hold on to them with both hands. They are hard to come by. What I’ve had reinforced this weekend are the little moments that matter. Your friends trying to decide what to have from a menu. Your friends catching you doing something stupid. The moment to all have a group hug and don’t want to let go. The small moments are the fuel for the heart and soul. Appreciate those small moments, because ultimately those are the ones that matter. The beauty and love in the every day.

I challenge you! Find your clan and feed your heart and soul.

If you have a clan already, hold them a little tighter, and appreciate them a little more.

They are gold dust.

As I sit on the train home and reflect, I can say with certainty that I leave my friends with my heart full, and my soul replenished. It’s been wonderful.

This has been a gushy SmartPonders.
Thanks for reading.
Steph x

Why Personal Finance should be compulsory education (part 1)…

Hello peeps! Hope you’re all surviving out there!

Today’s ponder heads into scary territory. Territory that for some is frightening, for others it’s avoided. For many it keeps them up and night, and for the few it’s a case of the more they have the more they want. We’re talking about money. Personal finance to be precise. More specifically mine and my partners finances…

This blog serves as an introduction to (likely a series of blogs) why I believe personal finance should be compulsory in school. This is part one. I like to think of myself as a reasonably intelligent and responsible person, however, as the blog will outline, choices have been made that weren’t the best. And now I’m paying for them. With interest. But first, a short disclaimer…

As I’m sure you’re aware by now, the blogs I post are all personal and all rooted in learning, improvement, and empowerment. Todays is no different. Today is about the financial overhaul that Ade and I have implemented and an insight into what we’ve learned so far. Before I go on though, I want to acknowledge that I know we are in a privileged position, but also that we’ve both worked incredibly hard to get to where we are today.

Let me set the scene.

If you’re a regular follower of the blog, you’ll know that Ade and I are two lucky few millennials that managed to buy our own house ourselves. Between the sale of Ade’s previous house and our savings we were able to upsize to the house we are now in. The house we consider to be our forever home.

From the outside looking in, we are a successful couple, who have a large house, who have two cars and three motorbikes. We holidayed regularly and make time for adventures when we have time off together.

The reality is that as of October last year, we had £34,100 of debt, (not including the mortgage), we bought a house at the top end of our budget, and we didn’t consider needing money to do the house up to how we want it or accounted for having money for emergencies.

It all started back in September last year (2021). We’d been in the house since the April. Mortgage, bills, and utilities were always split down the middle, with food costs and things for the house coming mostly from my account. Since living together we have always had a joint bank account. However, in the September, Ade got to the middle of the month and got hit with a £500 car maintenance bill which was unexpected and left him skint. I was usually ten days tops into the month then I’d be skint. So, being skint was the norm for me. And by skint, I mean a couple of pounds if that, left from our wages. Although being skint was the norm for me, it wasn’t for Ade. This was a scary moment for him that started a shift for the better. He decided he didn’t ever want to feel like that again.

Here’s our top tips to kick start the financial overhaul.

This is what we did.

  • We wrote down all our debts. Everything. Vehicles, phones, credit cards, overdrafts, loans etc. It was scary and it was eye opening. It’s all good and well things ticking over, but it really hit home seeing everything laid out in front of us.
  • We started a budget. Ade put together an excel spreadsheet with all our income and outgoings. It also had a sheet that showed all the debts in ascending order. It’s an active document that we update regularly. More on that later.
  • We combined our income to make it collectively our money. For us, it’s the right thing to do. We aren’t housemates, or friends bunking together. We are a family planning and working towards our present and future life together. All our wages (minus the debts that come out of our own accounts) goes into the joint account.
  • We made the decision that all debt is now collectively our debt. Again, this is something that may feel risky. A lot of trust is needed to know that your other half isn’t just going to bail once you’ve helped them become debt free. Ade and I are in it for the long haul. He’s my lobster. For me, because the first couple of debts we cleared were mine, it took me time to not feel guilty that he was helping. It’s just about reminding myself that we are doing this for the long-term benefits for both of us.
  • We started to research personal finance strategies to become debt free. Cue The Snowball Method (shout out to Dave Ramsey!) The Snowball method hacks into the emotional psychology of paying off debts. You start with the smallest first and work up to larger debts. That way you are able to see quicker progress as debts are clearing, rather than chipping away at a larger debt and feel like you’re not getting anywhere.
  • We created an emergency fund of £1000. Dave Ramsey, who you can find on YouTube advises that before you start paying the debts, you save £1000. The idea being it’s there for emergencies and to ensure you can still be paying off debts each month. We were glad we created our emergency fund because two months later we were hit with a leaky roof and a washing machine that blew up. Expense central.

Since starting this work in October of last year (2021) and in using the above strategies, to date we’ve paid off £4904.27 of the £34,100 starting debt (not including the house). We are well on our way, and although it’s tough, it’s our choices that have got us here. So now our choices are going to get us out.

How many of you have an active monthly or weekly budget file that you work with?

If you’ve gotten yourself debt-free what are your top tips for those on debt paying journeys?

Comment below or share with me on the socials!

The biggest learning curve so far has been about how little we know about personal finance and investment. Thankfully though knowledge is just a search engine away.

For us, as best as our parents did, there was a gap somewhere in our comprehension of what ‘debt’ is. It wasn’t until we wrote it all out that we got the shock, and of course step one is always to face the issue. The scariest step most of the time. For example, car on finance – a debt. Phone contract – a debt. As well as loans and credit cards etc. In most of the cases we’ve bought things based on being able to afford the monthly payments and not seeing the big picture of a) how much more we are paying per month and b) giving in to instant gratification. Both have led us to where we are today.

If you are interested in learning more, I’d suggest checking out these people on YouTube:

My intention with these blogs around finance is to share our story to help guide others away from making the same mistakes we did, or to help those of you who find yourself in a similar situation.

What do you wish you got taught in school relating to money and finance?

Let me know!

I think that’s quite enough for today’s ponder. However, I’m sure more around finance and what we’re learning will be in print soon.

This has been a SmartPonders.

Thanks for reading!

Steph x

Procrastinator, Imposter, and the Saboteur: Trying to get through the wall.

For those that follow my content regularly, you’ll know that a colleague and myself had a proposed book chapter accepted into an upcoming Routledge companion. If you are not familiar with Routledge, it’s a pretty big deal, especially in the academic world. at least I think so. Today’s ponder is an honest and frank dissection of what’s going on with the brick walls I’m facing. If you’re wondering why you’re not able to get something done, even though you know you need to, you may well take something from this.

How it all began…

It all came about as a throw away comment – which on reflection seems to be a pattern with me, I say/commit without thinking, more on that later. A call for book chapter proposals came out through a mailing list I’m on. It was for content around festivals and the relationship with Edutainment. Edutainment being the hybrid of education and entertainment. As someone who has recently had a post-graduate programme on Festival and Event Management, this was right up my street. I was considering putting in a proposal but had been putting it off (this is another pattern I recognise). On mentioning the call for proposals to a colleague, he suggested we co-write the chapter. It was all very quick, over a weekend, where we put together the proposal and sent it off on its merry way. That was in the November. We’d hear back in the January. Whilst I was happy with the proposal, I’ll be honest, I never actually considered the thought that that chapter would be accepted. Which it was. In January. The first draft of the chapter is due on the 25th of April, and it’s fast approaching. I have some words on the page, but nowhere near where I need to be, and yet, I have what feels like a mental barrier in the way that appears to be preventing me from getting anywhere. So, let’s unpick that…

The Procrastinator

For the longest time I have been the sort of person who works better working to a tight deadline than one with plenty time. I don’t like it, but I always get things done. It’s like the pressure makes the motivation, which makes the action. However, that is problematic because it then means I’m not taking action until I feel motivation, and the reality is that motivation actually follows action. It’s a misconception that motivation comes first. The issue is I then become dependent on feeling motivated first, rather than just making a start. So, I procrastinate starting the thing.

This is what I call the Procrastinator – the version of myself that is set in her ways, and so used to things working a certain way. Therefore, I will put off starting the project because I’m waiting to feel the pressure and for it to feel like, I guess the best way I can describe this is ‘The stars are aligned’. Everything is as it should be, and I can begin – essentially based on a notion that I expect things to work in a certain way on a project and can’t work on the project until the things are in their certain way. Does that make any sense?? I’m trying my best to explain it.

If the Procrastinator makes sense to you, let me know in the comments! Do you have reasons for procrastination, or do you have tasks you use to procrastinate with?

Are you a procrastinator?

The Imposter

The Imposter is a version of myself that came into existence probably around the time I started my Masters. Grounded in the notions of disbelief, that I, a working-class lass from the Highlands of Scotland who wanted to be an actress, would be clever enough to be offered an interview, let alone a place on a master’s programme. Several things I want to make clear here.

  • I am aware that I’m in a privileged position to even be able to write about it. (Maybe there’s a connection here).
  • I know I am intelligent – Not Mensa material, but also not HeiHei from Moana either.
  • As with all SmartPonders posts, this isn’t about pity, it’s about sharing my experiences, in the hope it resonates with others.

So, what do I mean by Imposter? Well, it’s a reasonably recent research area in psychology, first coined in 1970s by psychologists Suzanne Imes, PhD, and Pauline Rose Clance, PhD. The idea behind the imposter phenomenon, also known today as imposter syndrome, is that there is a disparity between what a person achieves, versus the internal experience of the individual. They will often feel like they don’t belong, or that they are living someone else’s life. They are waiting for others to find out that they are actually a fraud. Which of course is not the case. But as we know by now, the brain is a powerful thing.

Since starting work as a university lecturer, I feel this. Quite often. I’m waiting for the moment when I’m caught out. On a logical and rational level, I know this is nonsense. But I feel it all the same. I think this feeling as a big part to do with the book chapter. That out of all the proposals submitted, ours was picked.

I think that the procrastinator, who likes things in order, and the imposter, who believes she isn’t knowledgeable enough, both have some level of impact on the process of writing the book chapter. Ultimately, they impede progress.

How many of you can resonate with the imposter?

Let me know in the comments!

However, there is one more version of me to meet.

The Saboteur

This version is the one I don’t fully understand yet. She is the saboteur. She is the one that gets in the way of success. The one that lives by the failure moto ‘if I don’t start it, then I can’t fail at it.’ I don’t like her. Not one bit. And yet, she still makes an appearance.

She used to be very present in all things health and fitness. She’s the voice at the back of my head that says,

‘Gasp, you’ve eaten a normal portion of chocolate. The diet is ruined. It’s over.’ Whilst placing the back of her hand across her forehead.

Or

‘You’ve not done your 30 minutes of exercise today. You’ve ruined the week and your life.’ Throwing herself onto the bed in exasperation.

She’s very dramatic.

I’ve learned to somewhat manage her in the health context by challenging my thoughts and mindset. Something is better than nothing, and I shouldn’t live by an all or nothing approach. Yet she’s still here with me in the work context. I think in this instance, I acknowledge she’s here, dig a little deeper to consider how to remove her entirely, and also question her existence in the first place, however, all of those things sit beyond the scope of today’s blog. Just know she’s here, and likes to prevent action as a form of preservation? Hmm. More on her later, I think. She’ll likely need a whole blog!

Do you have a saboteur that makes an appearance in aspects of your life?

let me know in the comments.

In conclusion…

There are three main areas getting in the way, however when it comes down to it, it’s still me getting in the way of me. It goes back to mindset and what I was speaking about in the blog post about my health overhaul. Channelling that Growth Mindset, and very much taking a dose of my own medicine by saying, ‘I haven’t written the book chapter, yet.’

As i wrap up this ponder, I want to finish on the positives.

  1. I’ll continue on my journey of self-discovery and self-improvement. I don’t plan to go anywhere anytime soon.
  2. This too shall pass. Meaning things won’t always feel / be this way. Thanks to Tom Hanks for that one.
  3. Self-improvement is a marathon and not a sprint.
  4. I will continue to work on the book chapter. Any progress is better than no progress.
  5. This blog was written as a form of productive procrastination…

This has been a SmartPonders.
Thanks for reading.

Steph x



References

Clance, P.R. & Imes, S. (1978) ‘The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women:
Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention’. Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice [online] 15(3). Available from https://www.paulineroseclance.com/pdf/ip_high_achieving_women.pdf

Weir, K. (2013) ‘Feel like a fraud?’ American Psychological Association [online]. Available from https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud

Learn to Visualise: 3 exercises to help you on your way.

Those of you who are regular followers of the Ponders may recall a previous blog post that spoke about Visualisation and what it can do for you. Well today’s ponder digs a little deeper into the ideas of what visualisation is and equip you with three exercises to try out for yourself.
Here’s the disclaimer. Visualisation is a practice. Key word there is practice. That means you’re not all that likely to be brilliant at it first time round. I wasn’t either. It’s something that gets better the more you do it. As the famous saying goes, practice makes… NO! Not perfect. Perfect is an unrealistic expectation. Progress. Practice makes progress. So, with that out the way, let’s get stuck in.

What is visualisation?

Visualisation is about imagining what is possible. It’s about using all the senses, despite what the name may indicate, to tap into your confidence and self-belief relative to what you can achieve.
There is a lot of discussion around visualisation and the categories that come with it. Some people like to visualise relative to each sense, others feel the point is about seeing the end goal. Me? I’ve broken them down into the first three categories I use.

  1. Visualisation as meditation.
  2. Visualisation for energy.
  3. Visualisation as rehearsal.

In today’s ponder, I’m going to take you through these, highlighting what they mean to me, and an exercise for you to try.

Visualisation as meditation

Visualisation as meditation is exactly as you’d think. You meditate but meditate with the purpose of engaging in practice. You set some time aside, however, long feels right, and create a space where distractions aren’t there for the duration of the practice. Within the meditation you are working towards seeing something come to fruition. A visualisation meditation exercise that I like to do is to is Affirming.

Exercise 1: Visualisation as meditation – Affirmations

This exercise is a visualisation exercise to support you in achieving the goals you’re working on. Whether that’s getting fit, losing weight, becoming debt free, or falling in love with yourself, the possibilities are endless. In order for this exercise to work, there should be a goal you’re working on to base the affirmations on.

  1. Create a space that you can be alone in. Remove distractions and find a comfortable position. It doesn’t have to be sitting on the floor, it could be lying down. It’s about what works for you.
  2. Once comfortable, close your eyes and focus in on your breathing. The aim being to breathe deeply, and slowly. I find breathing in for four, and out for four is a basic starting point. But again, find what works for you.
  3. Feeling that your breath has slowed, you’re going to start to think of phrases that will help you to facilitate the improvement you’re working on.
    For example, if you’re working towards becoming physically stronger, saying to yourself “I am dedicated to becoming stronger”, or “I am working on building my strength, and will succeed” can be incredibly powerful reminders.
    Another example, if you’re working to improve your finance, you could say things like “I am focussed on getting out of debt,” or “through the choices I make, I will get out of debt”.

What goal are you, or would you like to work towards?

If your friend was working towards that goal, what is something positive and supportive that you would say to them?

You’ve got your first affirmation!

As always feel free to share!

Visualisation as energy

Visualisation as we’re getting to know, is an incredibly powerful tool. Using visualisation as a way to increase your energy is really useful to know. Especially if the energy you need is connected to confidence and belief. Ultimately in this approach to visualisation you’re using your physicality to connect to energy, to let the power build and to make you feel unstoppable! (I mean there are even scientific studies on this that proof you can manifest the power!)

Visualisation as energy – The Superhero Pose

This exercise is designed to create confidence that you can achieve whatever it is you’re setting out to do. There has even been a study on its success! You can read more about that here.

  1. Find a space to stand in. I’d say if you’re someone who is easily embarrassed, you may want to do this exercise alone until you get used to it.
  2. Stand with your feet slightly wider than hip width.
  3. Keep you back straight and your head held high.
  4. Place your hands on your hips.
  5. You should look like you’re striking a superhero pose.
  6. Use the physical power of the pose to give you the energy you need to kick ass!

Visualisation as rehearsal

This is another form of visualisation and it’s one that is used by many an athlete. It’s the idea that you don’t just practice your specialism, or the thing you’re learning and honing, through physical repetition alone. But actually, it’s about training the mind as well.
In a study by Dr. Biasiotto, professor at the University of Chicago, basketball free throws were used as a way to test how effective visualisation can be on progress. He split the participants into three groups. Group 1 were asked to physically practice free throws every day for thirty days. Group 2 were asked to mentally practice for 30 days. In this they would imagine and visualise the process of throwing the ball. Group 3 were asked to not practice at all. The findings are mind-blowing.
Group 1 improved their free throws by 24%. Group 3 made no improvements. Group 2, who never touched a ball across those thirty days, made an improvement of 23%. If that doesn’t provide some indication of how powerful visualisation can be, I don’t know what will.

Visualisation as rehearsal – Repetition of the Outcome

This exercise is about practicing mentally as a form of preparation.

Using the visualisation in a way that you are imagining the process of whatever it is you want to succeed in and playing it out in your head with the optimum outcome. Whether it’s a test you’re sitting, an interview, a competition. It doesn’t matter. As part of the preparation, you imagine it all playing out in your head, again and again and again.

For example, with my motorbike manoeuvring test, I would visualise twice a day (following my first failed attempt) the test, what I needed to do for each manoeuvre, and visualising myself at the end with the certificate. It worked.

Try it. See how you get on.

Final thoughts

I hope this ponder has been useful. I’d love it if you could give the exercises a try and let me know how you get on.
Just remember, the process of visualisation can be a challenge because you have to have the focus to pull your mind back when it starts to wander. However, as with all things you practice, it takes time to master it.

This has been a SmartPonders.
Thanks for reading!

Steph x