We are getting real today, ponderers. Not that we aren’t real in all the other blogs, but we’re heading into deep chats about food, nutrition, binge eating, and general pressures around weight and obesity. If that’s not for you, no worries. I want to chat about where I am at the moment with my health. I know I’ve spoken a little about my ME and what it’s like having a chronic illness, but this time I want to talk about mindset, and food. So, buckle up my friends.

For those of you that follow me on my socials @smartponders, you’ll know I’ve recently started to have an overhaul of my eating habits. I want to talk about weight, the mental and physical health implications, and what I’m doing about it all. It’s not designed to be preachy or anything like that, but I hope that it will resonate with some of you out there, as a gentle reminder that a) you’re not alone and b) you’re playing the long game.

Let me set the scene. I have always been “overweight”. It has been to varying degrees, but it has always been there from primary school, secondary, through my teens, into my twenties and now in my thirties. The reason I’ve put overweight into quotation marks, is because as I look back overweight in my late teens, was fourteen and a half stone, versus now, in my thirties when I’m just over twenty stone. Overweight regardless but to differing degrees. I want to clarify that I believe, and so does science, that you can be healthy and overweight. However, we live in a society where beauty as a standard and being overweight fail to go hand in hand. Looking on social media shows as much. Although that’s a whole other kettle of fish for another day. Back to the here and now. For example, in my late teens, I was at the gym five days a week for an hour or so at a time. I had two jobs, and a social life *this was pre-ME. At 5ft 8ins, fourteen and a half stone is overweight, but I believe I was healthy.

Fast forward now, and not so much. The thing about weight gain is if you’re not paying attention to what you’re eating on a day-to-day basis, like me, you’re not going to notice the gain happening. The gain can appear to happen quickly but as with weight loss, it’s a bit of a process. You may even see it happening but don’t have the energy or mindset to intervene. Been there many a time too.

Over the years, I’ve done diets and increased exercise and each time would have some success, (sixteen stone being my lightest back in 2015) but then when it came to maintaining, the habits crept back in and before I knew it, I’d be heavier than when I started. I did meal replacements, and I did slimming clubs, but the success was always short lived. And recently, I think I’ve found out why. I just didn’t care enough.

What I mean by that is I wanted to lose the weight sure, but I wanted a quick fix. I didn’t want to play the long game. The long game meaning my life. Each time I embarked on a diet, I always had a goal weight in mind, but not enough vision to see (and believe) that I’d get to the goal, and beyond it. Not once did I get to any of the goal weights I’d set. I had moments of obsession when I’d step on the scales on weigh day and it hadn’t moved, then beat myself up myself for not achieving a loss, thus causing stress, and then cue binge eat. Diet ruined. Back to square -1. A vicious cycle.

Three things here.

1. My health and weight are defined by more than just one number on a scale.
   I have a set of scales that measures weight, body fat %, water levels, protein levels, body mass index, muscle mass, visceral fat, subcutaneous fat etc. I find this gives a much greater overview of my health. For example, the weight might not change, but the muscle mass does.
2. I didn’t have the right mindset at the time of doing any of the diets. I didn’t believe I could so my heart just wasn’t in it.
3. There was too much pressure when I did. The pressure coming from myself mostly.

Here’s why this time I believe it’s going to be different.

Firstly, I’m not doing a diet. I’ve gone right back to teaching myself about nutrition, about calorie intakes, and home cooking. Traditionally, I dislike cooking. I can cook, it’s just never been something I’ve enjoyed. Yet of late, whilst I’m not saying I’m going to enter MasterChef anytime soon, it’s become tolerable, cooking new meals, and trying new things out. I’m using MyFitness Pal as a tracker. My target calorie intake is between 1400-1600. But I’m not strict with it in the sense of berating myself for going over because I’m playing a long game. This is my life and I’m at the point where I know I need take back accountability for myself. I’m showing up for me. I am focussing on what I’m eating and paying attention to the macros in my eating choices. Again, not to obsess, but to try and love and nourish my body like I should have been doing. That sounded wanky, didn’t in? Moving on…

Secondly, I’m also intermittent fasting. There is a myth out there that not having breakfast is bad for you. Actually, there is quite a bit that can be gained from it. With intermittent fasting, it’s a lifestyle choice, not a fad, or a quick fix. (Although hands up – in the past I have used it like that.) I stop eating somewhere between 7-8pm at night, and then won’t eat until 11-12noon the next day. I have a sixteen-hour fasting period, with an eight-hour eating window. The difference in my energy levels (which let’s face it, is of utmost importance!) is huge. I’ve dipped in and out of IF in the past and I have always felt better on it. But as a stress eater, and of the mentality (in the past) of one bad day and it’s all ruined, I’d end up being back where I started. With previous IFs I wasn’t tracking my calories. That’s what’s different. The thing about weight is that to lose it, you need to be in a deficit with what goes in, versus what goes out. I hardly was. Unlike now. I should also state, I know there will be people out there who’s ability to lose weight is hampered by health conditions too. I’m all too aware that it isn’t always simple. As much as society would have us believe.

The other thing that is different is my mindset. My belief. I’m not sure how to articulate it fully, but I’ll try. It’s like I believe now. I believe in my ability to become healthier and fitter, rather than fighting the little devil on my shoulder that says things like “you’ve not be successful before, why should this be different? Why bother?”. But that devil isn’t there. Not only that, I also feel I’m in the right emotional and mental head space for the change. I have clothes in my wardrobe that I haven’t worn in years. I’ve got biking gear that is the largest size I can get that pinch. I’m out of breath climbing the stairs.

My goal is to be healthier. That’s what it comes down to. I know it won’t happen overnight, and I don’t want it to either. I know there will be days that are harder than others, and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean I give up. Part of the SmartPonders content online, will be tracking this journey. Keeping a reference point for those days, that come that are hard. I can look back and remind myself of why I’m on the journey in the first place and how far I’ve come. Do keep an eye out on the SmartPonders Instagram and Facebook page.

It is still early days, but for reference, I started on Wednesday the 9th of March 2022 – who says you have to start on a Monday… and at my first week weigh in, I lost three lbs. Updates as I said, will be on the Instagram and Facebook page.

My body is an incredible thing. Like yours. It keeps me breathing. It keeps me alive. It keeps me connected to people and places. It’s fought for me on more occasions that I can count, and it still shows up for me. Even when in the past, my mind hasn’t met it in the middle. I want to change that. And as that famous Chinese proverb states,

The journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.

Tao Teh Ching, Lao Tzu.

This has been a SmartPonders.
Thanks for Reading.
Steph x

Not so long ago on campus I was teaching a 4th year class where we were discussing learning, communication, and accountability. In this class, we were looking at Bloom’s Taxonomy with the aim to introduce students on how to create lesson aims and learning objectives. For context the students are working with an external client to provide a workshop using drama for health and well-being.

The students were asked to create a task for the other students to complete using one of the words from the taxonomy, to help articulate the aims of the activity. The words are categorised into knowledge, comprehension, application, analysis, synthesis, and evaluation. Within the categories there are verbs for specific aims. Such as in knowledge, a verb would be describe. For Comprehension it could be discuss. For application, perform, for analyse it could be explore, and so on.

In doing so we got on to the topic of an apparent shift in societal relationships with saying ‘sorry’. There are discussions at the moment where people are opting to not say sorry in certain situations. Ultimately saying sorry less.

For example, rather than say “sorry I’m late.” You would say “thank you for waiting.” This is something that I have done in the past but in discussing with students, I won’t do anymore. Here are the reasons why.

In my mind, by saying “thank you for waiting” I thought I was doing good, so to speak, as I was acknowledging the students were waiting. However, in doing that, I don’t acknowledge my error. The fact I’m late. The fact that my actions have made my students have to wait. There is no accountability of self. This is why I now say, sorry for my lateness (on the occasions that it happens!) AND thank you for waiting.

Another example along the same thread is when someone, as a way of apology, following a mistake or argument, says “I’m sorry you feel that way” rather than have the acknowledgment that they made the person feel that way. “I’m sorry my actions made you feel that way.” The first one mitigates the accountability. Now I know some of you may think “ah but I didn’t do anything wrong.” Or “other’s feelings aren’t my responsibility” and you’re right to a degree. You may not have thought you’ve done anything wrong, or you’ve not intended to upset, offend etc, but my thinking is, if someone comes to you with their feelings, you have a choice as to how you respond. I should say, this is all judged on a case by case. I think it comes down to two things, accountability, and validation.

For example, if a student comes to me and says, “I’m upset over a mark you’ve given me” my response is “I’m sorry that the mark I’ve given to you has made you feel upset.” Then go on to explain the reasons why. I don’t want to invalidate what they are feeling.

I believe it’s so important to be able to be accountable for our own actions. After all that is one of the few things we can control. We can’t control what others think, what others feel, or how others respond. But we can control our own actions and responses.

Maybe part of the challenge with all of this is how difficult it can be to say sorry, or to apologise. So, I’ve whittled it down to the following reasons of why I think it might be difficult.

• Is it fear that the apology will be rejected? The person apologising won’t be forgiven. Let’s face it, no one likes rejection!
• Is it a power thing? The person who needs to apologise may feel that in doing so they lose status or power.
• Is it a vulnerability thing? Similar to the above, the person apologising is unable to feel that exposed. This links in with ideas around feeling embarrassed or ashamed of their actions in the first place, so the apology seems even harder.
• Is it that people are just unable to say sorry because they feel inadequate in doing so? It highlights their failings and/or mistakes.
• Is it a denial thing? If the person doesn’t say sorry, then they haven’t done anything wrong. If there is no admission of guilt, then there is no need for accountability.

I remember a drama teacher of mine back in my undergrad days saying, “sometimes you just have to fall on your own sword”. Meaning that when it comes to apologising, it’s not always about you as the apologiser. It’s just as much about the other person who needs the apology. In this context, I was doing some filming for a project and was permitted access on a weekend to an office. I was new at the whole filming thing, but myself at the cast and crew (approx. 12 of us) got on with our day. We had moved things about, and we all worked together to make sure things were back in the right place. I took the word of everyone there that things were good. When I got back to uni on Monday, I had a very angry email from one of the lecturers in the office who reported that things were missing from their desk. I felt sure things were back where they should have been. However, after much back and fore, I had to acknowledge that me not checking everything had caused the issue. So I put my hands up and said sorry. She found the things she thought were lost later in the day. They had been placed on another desk. And that was the end of it.

So, that’s what I mean. Falling on your own sword. Sometimes you just have to put your hands up and say, yup – it was my fault. And in my opinion, with all mistakes, as long as you don’t repeat them and learn from them, it shouldn’t (in an ideal world) cause that much stress.

As always would love to hear what your ponders are on today’s blog. Feel free to post a comment, and if you’d be so kind, pop over to the socials and give a wee follow and a like. It’s greatly appreciated! You can also let me know if you have a ponder topic, you’d like me to write about. Suggestions are always welcome!

This has been a SmartPonders.
Thanks for reading.
Steph x

We’re taking a little change in direction with today’s blog. It’s a short and punchy ponder!

I’ve been having a lot of down-time lately. Between the stresses of work, managing a chronic health condition, and the continual fight against catastrophising, I’m making more of an effort than ever to take time out to do very little. At the moment that looks like binge watching Sons of Anarchy and shouting at the characters I dislike on the screen.

Something I’ve noticed from the show though has brought me to this ponder. The majority of the issues they face in the show could be solved by talking to one and other… Now, I know what some of you will say, ‘Steph, it’s just a show.’ or ‘all good drama needs conflict.’ You’d be right, but that’s not going to stop me here.

For those of you not familiar with the show, it follows the antics of a motorcycle club based out of a small town called Charming in North California. There’s crime, there’s adultery, there is conflict at every turn. There are drugs, guns and turf wars galore. Plus, pretty motorbikes. The general premise of the club is that it’s your family. You fight for it, and you’re loyal to the end. If you’re caught not being loyal, you’re killed. It’s all very dramatic. Ade and I are currently in season three, and the situation isn’t looking great for the club or the main characters. What has struck me though, is how much easier all the problems they are faced with would be, if they just spoke to each other and took accountability for their actions. As we all know, actions have consequences.

I should point out that I have not seen all seven seasons all the way through, Ade has. I should also preface that the following will contain spoilers. If you want Sons of Anarchy to remain spoiler free, I suggest you leave this blog for another day.

Example 1.
Character Opie.
He’s a dish in my humble opinion. However, here’s the situation. He has recently gotten married to a porn star – Lyla. He’s not happy about the porn part, but he ‘loves’ her. They haven’t been married that long, and when he finds birth control pills, he goes off on one, and naturally, sleeps with the next woman available. Don’t get me wrong. I love Opie’s as a character but man oh man, sort your life out. You know how??? Speak to your wife. Have a conversation where you establish that you want a baby. Although I’ll be honest, he then goes on to say to his bestie that he doesn’t even want a baby with her, so I’m not sure what the whole problem is then. BUT what I do know, is that if Opie actually spoke with Lyla the whole mess would have been avoided.

Example 2.
Character Tara.
Tara is the resident doctor character. Her and protagonist Jax were childhood sweethearts only for her to break his heart, move to Chicago, get a medical degree, and return to Charming into his ‘somewhat’ loving arms.
Tara has recently come into possession of a number of letters from Jax’s dead dad to his Belfast lover that basically uncovers Jax’s mother and stepfather to have played a large part in Jax’s father’s death. Now, Tara knows all this information, and is aware that others know that she knows. And yet, has she spoken to Jax about it? No. It’s really no wonder no one trusts each other, because they are all too busy hiding secrets! I’m not sure how all this is going to play out yet, so I’ll report back later, but pretty sure if she’d just give Jax the letters, as they were intended to get to him in the first place, crisis averted.

Example 3.
Character Jax.
Urgh, where to start. I’ll fix with the current secret he’s hiding. He has an agreement in place with Clay (president of the biker club and stepdad) that if he supports Clay in drug-muling, he’ll let Jax out of the club when Clay steps down as president. Why is this even being withheld from Tara? The number of times Tara and Jax converse where they agree to tell each other everything could easily be made into a drinking game by now. *rolls eyes*. You know what’s better than communication…? TRANSPARENT AND HONEST communication.

Anyway, whilst Ade and I both own motorcycles, and have had experience of being part of a club – which is nothing like Sons of Anarchy to the point that many a Motorcycle Club has expressed distain for the show, it did get me thinking about communication. Why is it so hard?

This is likely to lead into a part two when I dig deeper into the challenges, pitfalls and barriers that prevent communication. But for now, I’d love to know your thoughts on communication, as well as your thoughts on Sons of Anarchy if you’ve seen it. Despite what my ranting may lead you to believe, I’m totally hooked, and I love it! Thankfully the writers opted not to use communication in their storylines, because let’s face it, it would make for a very short run of seasons!

The next blog will share my own thoughts and experiences around communication and hopefully provide some tools to use on how we can improve these skills in the future.

For now, the Sons of Anarchy rant is over.

This has been a SmartPonders.
Thanks for reading!
Steph x